


Mr Loverman

by DEAD_P0ET



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Dead Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society), Dead Poets Society - Freeform, Feelings Realization, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Todd Anderson-centric, a whole lotta sadness, i got a burst of motivation, i'm in my feels rn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:47:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26430628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DEAD_P0ET/pseuds/DEAD_P0ET
Summary: Todd realizes how much he's lost.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Kudos: 28





	Mr Loverman

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicide

Todd remembered that morning. The morning that didn't feel real. It couldn't be. 

After Neil's departure from the village hall, Todd couldn't settle. Something felt wrong. That night he lay in bed staring at the ceiling aware of the silence from the other side of the room, but unaware that sound would never replace that silence again. Todd didn't realize he was smiling at the thought of Neil returning the next day and life continuing as normal, with the poets' meetings and sneaking around the corridors of Welton. 

Todd didn't remember falling asleep but he knew it hadn't been for long when he heard Charlie call his name.

"Todd," he said almost whimpering while shaking Todd's arm.

"Oh Charlie," Todd responded, showing his annoyance at being woken up so early by beginning to roll onto his side.

"Todd," Charlie tugged on Todd's arm forcing him to roll back over.

Todd finally looked Charlie in the eyes and saw that they were red and puffy from the tears running down his face. Todd sat up immediately, the pulls of sleep vanishing from his mind and his gut knotted with worry as he saw the state Charlie was in. He could tell Charlie hadn't slept, but the tears from his eyes and the rest of the poets standing at the door told him that whatever was making Charlie so upset had only just happened.

"Neil's dead."

* * *

The snow was thick around Todd's legs but the misery in his heart weighed more.

Icy coldness crept through Todd's pajamas but he didn't stop walking and neither did the boys following him that shared concerned looks with each other. Todd stopped and stared out at the white expanse that lay before him. Neil would have loved to see this. It felt like something that belonged in a play. It made Todd remember when Neil was onstage and how looked so happy. Neil owned the stage and now Todd would never see him stand on it again. 

"It's beautiful," Todd remarked as he turned around to face the others.

It's something that Neil would have noticed. 

They were all standing there. Charlie, Knox, Meeks and Pitts. 

Neil was missing. 

Todd felt something rise in his throat and leaned over to be sick before falling to his knees not noticing the sting in his shins and kneecaps. The poets ran down to him drowning him in words of comfort with Knox crying into his shoulder. Todd struggled for words as his emotions took over.

"It was his father!" Todd blurted out while rocking forwards and backwards.

"No!" Pitts cried in disbelief.

Once again Todd couldn't get out his words when he needed them most. The words that Neil praised whenever he stole one of Todd's poems. The poems that he kept hidden in a small notebook under his bed. The notebook that he only allowed Neil to see.

"His father killed him!" He shouted. 

Because that had to be it. Neil wouldn't kill himself. Todd refused to believe it.

Todd sprung up pushing his friends off of him struggling through the snow ignoring his name being called behind him. He tripped and stumbled as the snow restricted his movement and as his eyes became blurry with tears.

"Neil!" He yelled as if it would bring him back and return everything to normal.

Eventually, he regained his balance and walked off trying to forget everything. Trying to forget that he ever met Neil.

* * *

Todd's legs buckled with exhaustion and as he sunk into the snow so did his heart. 

All Todd could do was think about Neil. Neil wouldn't do this. He didn't leave a note so it couldn't have been a suicide. He wasn't like that, he was happy he had never told Todd that he wanted to do this. He wouldn't just leave Todd like this. Surely. 

Neil was gone and there was nothing Todd could do to bring him back. 

"Why didn't you leave a note!" Todd screamed into the snow as if that would get him an answer

Sobs wracked his body and his eyes became red and puffy as everything seemed to crash down around him. Neil left him with nothing. No letter, no words, no touch, no smile. All that was left was the audition poster that Todd knew lay on Neil's desk, wrinkled from Neil folding it and unfolding it so many times just to look at it. Neil was so happy when he found out about the auditions his smile was so contagious that even Cameron was happy for him. 

Todd looked up and realized where he was. It was the lake. He must have walked there without realizing, a deeper force must have drove him there. It was where he had helped Neil practice his lines. He remembered how Neil made him feel wanted, alive and confident, like he wasn't just someone in the background. Neil made him feel alive and in that moment Todd needed that feeling the most. The buzz that Todd felt whenever he was around Neil. That feeling to just reach out and touch his face but it was always shut down by his anxiety.

Todd was sitting now, his legs pulled up to his chest with his head resting on his knees. His glossy eyes stared out at the lake and a small smile crept across his lips. 

"What am I supposed to do without you?" He called out to the untouched snow.

It was strange that Todd only realized why he cared so much about Neil now that he was gone. All those times when Todd wanted to grab Neil's hand or to just hold him he just ignored, acted like they weren't his thoughts. How he blushed when he caught Neil watching him out the corner of his eye. Those stolen glances and secret smiles in the poet's cave. When he cried Neil's name as he blundered through the snow. He hated himself for not realizing it sooner, and now he had no one to tell.

"I love you Neil," Todd muttered resting his face in his palms. 

That was it. He loved him more than he could even imagine and now he was never going to come back. This wasn't a nightmare he would soon wake up from to see Neil in the bed across the room. This was real and Todd had let his fear of being rejected stop him from telling the only person he had ever loved how he felt. He couldn't bring Neil back, no amount of crying or wishing would ever fill that void in Todd's heart. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is my first work, and I know it is very rusty and could do with some improvements (I might rewrite it in the future) but I hope you enjoyed it. I'm planning on writing more in the future, I just need to find the motivation. I was listening to Mr Loverman when i thought about this piece so please listen to it if you haven't already! And even if you already have, listen to it again because it's amazing!


End file.
